a little too deep for xanga?? before i found myself crying everyday. every night. ..thinking to myself "what the hell did i do to myself?" i fell so far down and hard that no one could have helped me anymore...it was up to me to pull it together and realize it on my own.

im still pulling my shit together..but day by day it gets easier for me to stand up on my own. and keep my head up. i shook it off...not completely ...but the painful/hurtful part of it i have.

life isnt all that bad at all...it was how i was livin it that made me think that way...

what happen to me? it seems like im falling apart little by little. every little thing you do hurts me ten times harder. but why? why do i let you get to me like that? maybe because we did go through a lot. UPs and DOWNs. you were my first EVERYTHING. not second. or third....first..

Im sorry for what i did. but youve done did me dirty tOo many times. i didnt deserve that. i was pure/clean...innocent. i never had anyone before you. no first kiss. holding hands. cuddling...YOU took all that. i stayed away from relationships because i was so scared to get hurt by guys like you! "im not like that. not every guys are dicks. denise, i love you. i care about you a lot.." i wish i can laugh about that and say it was funny. but it hurts. its painful. you know what you did. i dont have to announce it to MYSPACE and tell everyone what you did. you kno...

what happen to us? what happen to the eight hour talks on the phone just talking about the random things. what happen to us enjoying each others company. what happen to the excietment that we both use to get when we saw each other. i miss the times i can just lay in your room watching tv and you being besides me sleeping. no we werent partying or worrying about missing out on clubbin or partying/drinking. i liked the fact that we could just do something so boring yet enjoy it.

Jan. 18, 2003 our frist time meeting  each other. you were so shy to even look at me. you thought i was the most beautiful person you've ever seen. Gary, johnny, chris,james,and everyone else was there. we watched torque and we hated it. =) oh..you also smoked me out for the first time that day. it took you awhile to loosen up and talk. but at the end of the day you received a kiss. you were shocked but really happy..even excieted to start off something with me.

second date..we went to your cousin's house and just chilled there. i even started to feel tired and laid on the floor. you rapped your arms around me and i remembered you telling me it felt damn good to hold someone like that.

once march hit..we went through our ups and especially our downs. our problems with my family and parents. the awkwardness you had to go through when you went to church.  you still stuck through everything..and so did i.

you know it goes deeper than church and meeting parents.

Now what i have to do is understand that it would never be the same with us. never...

i wish we can just get back with each other and start from where we ended..but its not going to happen. its not fair, most relationships can. why cant mine?

i bet anna or whoever will take care of you and make you happy..and honestly i dont want you to get hurt the way you hurted me. cause it hurts way too damn much when the person you feel in love with is the one who emotional hurted you. but if it comes to it...sorry, karma i guess..=)

please..when i tell you dont call or text..i mean it. im better off not knowing anything at all. im better off with out you. as much as i miss you deeply...i know im better off with out you.

i love you...

It all started with a very handsome-mature man name Jerry, sending me flowers to work asking me to accompany him to diner. Just the flowers being delivered to my work on a Saturday (keep in mind he had to find out where I work and when I worked) was enough for him to impress me. So I guess it wasn’t enough for him, so he decided to take me out to a very fancy restaurant called Orange Hill Restaurant that was located on top of a hill and before one enters, lights was surrounding the path as you travel up to the restaurant. The view was so exquisite that I noticed my eyes being mesmerized by the street lights as Jerry tried to hold a conversation. (sorry love). He had everything plan out from morning to night I bet. He called in for reservations, and even plan out what to order for the both of us because I wasn’t familiar with the menu. I even tired sparkling voss water, who knew there was different kinds of water to order from? It wasn’t my type of water, but it sure was quite elegant. Throughout the whole diner our conversation was never dull. We went talking about school to major. Siblings to beautiful smiles. Shoes to clothing types and even the type of strange food we ate to having a toe fetish. While we were waiting for our food, Jerry decided to take me out onto the balcony where there was bond fire pits everywhere to just relax and enjoy the view. Very romantic on a first date, 5 POINTS! =)

To make the long story short...handsome/talented/gentlemen/sweetheart guy taking me out to diner. Great food. Excellent choice of restaurant. And a very interesting conversation all fell together so perfectly..almost too perfect.

“Delivered flowers = $52

Restaurant = $ 55

Reservations = anxiety/nervousness

Date with Denise = PRICELESS” ….Jerry Euginio

=) corny but thoughtful.  

........i miss you.

Larry and i arent together. Yes, lets announce this shit to everyone and why not xanga? ha...

Our relationship wasnt interesting anymore. there was no meaning into it now. i tried to make things work..i really did, but i cant just stick around and wait for things to get better. im not blind and im not stupid! I will not be one of those girls who waits around praying and hoping things with get better, but clearly it wont. so they go through all this bullshit for no reason and ends up getting hurt or the end result with a break up. its not worth it!

...at this point i realize i settled myself for second best. as to what jeff said.."never settle for someone that wasnt on your 'list'" i denied my feelings towards larry. i thought , just get use to him. deal with it. who cares if hes not the ideal boyfriend..no one is. but what i realize now is i got myself involve was someone so pointless in my life. Im glad i opened his eyes to a clearer future..and i hope he lives up to that standards even when were not together. But i need someone (not neccessarly a boyfriend) that would inspire me. not someone that would hold me down and im not only talking about my faith. im also talking about the future and where id stand if i were to continue my relationship with him. ive been laggin on my school work, and i kno thats my decesion but with larrys help i was able to ditch school or skip a class or two, which is a big deal in senior year cause you get behind real quick.

Partying and drinking was me way before i met larry, so thats not an issue.

I sacrificed friends for larry..and i regret! but i cant just say sorry to those i lost and expect things to be good after that. oh well, people learn from situations like this.

I went through so much for him...and my closes friends kno what i went through, yet no one couldnt approach me STRAIGHT UP to wake me up and realize what i was doing??!?!

10 months with larry was hell..not with him but the shit i had to go through for him. ...